


if anything, i'm restless

by stellaviatorii



Series: to keep you off my mind [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Angst, Drabble, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, TW: Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2623316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellaviatorii/pseuds/stellaviatorii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>They say Steve died peacefully - a heart attack while he slept.</i>
</p>
<p>or, when bucky became a ghost</p>
            </blockquote>





	if anything, i'm restless

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know where this came from, but I dedicate it to [trina](http://wintertummy.tumblr.com), the first person to cry because I decided to be a sadistic bastard and come up with this. ily babe <3
> 
> this drabble and its future installments are basically fueled by tove lo's [habits (stay high)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM), and based on the trajectory of the song, you can guess how angsty this 'verse is gonna be

From the amount of it crawling through his veins, Bucky might as well be crying vodka on Steve’s coffin. He wouldn't be surprised; his eyes sting hard enough to flip the bird at basic human biology.

Maybe he's not human. No one else would be able to keep breathing with a knife nestled deep in their chest cavity.

They say Steve died peacefully - a heart attack while he slept. He wouldn't have been aware. The last thing he felt was Bucky’s tumbler and a bundle of half-priced LSD.

The last thing Steve said was, "I'm not coming out until you promise me you'll try and sober up before my presentation."

And, well, Steve hasn't come out yet. He never will, but that's not the point. Bucky almost cracks a rib from laughter as he shoots up outside their (his) bedroom, another track mark added to the Morse code on his forearm: _please don't leave me alone_.

Steve was never into secret codes as a kid. Bucky retches on the good carpet when he remembers how scandalised he had been at age seven, how he'd insisted that Steve would never survive without knowing.

No one else talks to him now. He’s just James Barnes, the easy fuck with the pouty lips and a tendency to cry when you touch him gentle. Today’s John - Dugan or something - traces the ley lines of Bucky’s tattoos with the barest whisper of a touch and doesn't say a word as Bucky sobs into the cheap motel sheets. He smells like knock-off nicotine and Steve’s laundry detergent, slipping into clubs and screwing his way into nirvana. There is no Steve Rogers under layers of friction and coke; there is no Bucky Barnes after his tenth shot of tequila.

He makes a point of visiting Steve’s grave every day, even when he's high as hell and all fucked out. There’s no reason to be there except to lie on the grass, his head where Steve’s shoulder would be, and tell the empty air about the myth of Achilles and Patroclus.

He says the same words again and again until there's blood on his lips. When his throat gives out he presses his mouth to the ground and mouths each syllable around lush grass and compact dirt. When he can't move from exhaustion, he imagines Steve opening the door to their (his) bedroom and lightly scolding him for sleeping on the floor again.

"Really, Buck, the couch is two feet away."

Bucky laughs and tastes weeds.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://punkxmen.tumblr.com)


End file.
